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The Breaking Point

Usually I am someone who finds positive moments in any situation and can always push on. I'm always able to turn it up performance wise when it counts, from as a kid playing sports to a worker. Even as a person when everything was falling down I pushed forward and dominated. Then I learned something, when I violated my probation for faking my AA attendance. No matter how bad you think something is going be or is... you can survive and push on. People couldn't believe I had the ability to lose all of my freedom and reflect and build. I knew I would win the scholarship and change my life for the better.

I've met new people, learned new things but the one constant in my life has stayed the same. 1 or 130 to 930 or exaggerating hell. What do I mean? I mean that no matter who comes and who goes, it's the same thing over and over again. My co workers will take any dudes who are my age or younger and turn the them heel and then me. Suddenly everything we do is wrong and we are all evil. I go through this, every year at this time. I tell myself dude you are only a worker you don't care.. this is a season these people are going through don't let it effect you. I feel like I'm stuck in a dark room every time I punch in, I know there is a light switch but I can't find it.

I've come to realize something today, I cut a half hour off of my work day so that I spend 30 mins of every day on self improvement instead of working. In this time period, I have learned how to make and edit videos.. how to make podcasts how to market them. I have taught myself how to change my life for the better. I know who I want to be, what I want to be. When I'm at work I feel like I am wasting time I could be in the gym or studying. The thing is that I know what I want to do... I know where I want to be in life. I know that for this remaining period of time until I have CPR and first aid certification I have to deal with this.

So this is the point of this point, I am the type of person who writes dates down. Then I achieve the goals connected with that date. What I mean is most things I setup to achieve by a certain date I do. In my head I now have an idea of how I will achieve this and the time frame. For me to gain experience in my dream and move ahead.. I have to start my plan. I will step into part time and then no Meijer status.

There are gonna be people who hate, people who disagree and think I'm an idiot. But do I really want their experiences? Whenever someone comes up with an idea and wants to break away they are hated on. He's gonna ruin his life and give up everything. But honestly.. in order to achieve my dreams... I need to break free and follow my heart

2016 ... The Year of Diddles

First and foremost I have spent a ton of time on YouTube...

No one shares their mission to bulk... NO one shows you the entire journey to greatness.

This is my plan... I'm going to build a website blog and youtube channelsjuing

-None of us is perfect. I cam help you lose weight but my expertise is in bulking... rebuilding you after tragedy and helping you get right

-I'm here to motivate you.... haters can fawk off or find a better channel

-What I'm going to give you is life sessions on how to make yourself great. I want you guys to see me at my worst.. and at my best. We are going to talk dental repair and rejuvenating all the way to bulking and sobriety..

This decision may give me mad hatters and to that i welcome you cause your watching gets me money brah

I'll go way harder in video and blogs as time goes on...

But ladies and gentlemen welcome to your new life. I will train you in the gym and life.. we are going to change this generation, we will make every young man eager and willing to succeed

The call to action I

I write this because for the first time in my life, self doubt is gone and the call to action pushes me forward. Previously a lot of people hated on me, they said I'd fail at school, I'd fail in becoming a stronger version of myself .. My life purpose was to work at meijer make 28k a year than retire. Maybe become a manager, become their bitch make like 35k a year and be happy. Never achieve my goals never reach my full potential.

This is basically Robert banker saying fuck you. I blazed my own bath, now it is time to use my god given gifts to succeed. I refuse to be a bitch to the system. I will succeed and I will make my parents have a comfortable retirement and those around me.

I rebuke your "comfortable easy path" let me lather in 12 hour days and 35k a year and hating my job. You can't stop my dreams, I appreciate the push. When I'm on the mountain top .. You get nothing from me

Moving toward the end

One of the biggest lessons I ever learned was that you can always change your life for the better. Sometimes the setbacks are put there for a reason to help you relaunch yourself. My journey over the last 18 months has taught me a lot about myself, I learned that I can overcome any obstacle in my path. As long as I ask god for help for the right things and not for unnecessary things, I defeat the obstacle. I had to learn not just to pray for help, but to ask others for help. There is always a way to make things happen, there can always be one hour less worked, slept or spent being sad,

Another key point is, you have to not dwell on things. If you're at work and work sucks you have to mentally exit the situation. Yes it's important to make money, but it's more important to be yourself. If you have to call off or go in late to take care of something do it. The job is basically temporary and the people there really only want to put you beneath them. You have to find who actually cares about you and them in, not just anyone who will chat with you. In all aspects of life only talk to people who want the best for you.

However, this does not mean those who talk trash to you in video games or sports are bad. The ability to compete in friendly battles in fantasy sports or games is a great outlet. You need to fill time with activities you enjoy that allow you to learn about new things,

Obviously, I'm putting ideas down for future uses. The one truth that I have found in this journey, is never listen  to what someone who is still in the battle says. Read their eyes, their body language. The saddest most insecure people are the ones who share the most "fuck everybody Im a strong woman" shit. Confidence is quiet... confidence doesn't have to brag about life.. you don't need people to see you as an icon.. because internally you are whatever you want to be. Then and only then can you defeat your issues in life and move forward.

As I continue to mess with this...

Remember this first and foremost. Whatever happens when you are back to normal again, remember balance. Then also remember that there is no changing for anyone else. You have to live to please yourself, not whatever girl you have a crush on or etc.

5 years later

I barely ever use this blog, I use to have a few more intense blogs lined up but I took them down when I went on probation. It's kinda hard to blog on an ipad lol.

Today I will put this entry in to serve as a reminder to myself.I was looking through my facebook on this day stuff and noticed 5 years ago today I had my knee rebuilt. Which was pretty much the lowest point of my life. I say this because the pain was the worst I ever experienced, the ensuing using pain killers all the time and then buying more off the streets changed my life. This period was so depressing, I was still stuck up on girls from the past. I had nothing to do but lay in bed and watch tv and get faded.

The key point to this is that everyone falls down sometimes. It's a part of the growing process of life. You need these experiences to help build and mold your future self. I barely talk to anyone I knew from this time period except my closest friends. There is a reason for this, you have to change your life to get out of the darkness. Then you must continue to move forward out of the depression and into a new better way.

I'm 132 pounds of muscle now, I look and feel better than ever. But it happened because of these experiences that molded me.

Personal Growth

I will try not to overly rant right here on this like I did in the previous post... There's a part of me that wants to write books on developing yourself or youtube videos. I parted with some of my favorite possessions in order to pay bills and move forward. I feel this helped me to grow.

The one key I also discovered in this, when you want to change yourself and get away from a negative way of life.. you have to extract yourself from the triggers and move on. For me, being forced to move to Novi into a trailer was a phenomenal point of change. Instead of wasting my time with alcohol and chasing whores, I learned new skills. I became passionate about home improvement and through this I was able to get rid of pent up anger and feel a sense of accomplishment. This process also gave me something new that I didn't expect, a feeling of falling to the bottom. See when you live in a 800 dollar a month apartment and then move to a trailer where you have to use the living room til your bills are caught up and you can live alone... You gain a new perspective, a perspective of is this really what my life came to? In the positive I couldn't hide drinking if I even wanted to since I'm out in the open.

My last subject matter. I came to hear of something this week that made me feel some type of way. In the corporate world, people kiss ass.. backstab and put people down to move themselves along. I heard rumors someone who helped influence me had his reign end on some weirdness. I came to realize that, sometimes the actions you committed to put yourself ahead can come back to haunt you. Like karma, when you constantly put others down to raise yourself up or get their jobs and lives shaken up... you one day will have to deal with it happening to you. This is life happening, you just have to deal with it.

That's why one of my new philosophies is to put myself back into working hard and letting my work speak for me. It maybe a low key demeanor where you don't get much credit, but in reality if you pay your dues all things will work out when it's time. For me, I began to realize if I received certain things earlier than before I was ready they wouldn't last long. The goal isn't to be on top for a week, month or year.. the goal is to be on top forever.