I write this because for the first time in my life, self doubt is gone and the call to action pushes me forward. Previously a lot of people hated on me, they said I'd fail at school, I'd fail in becoming a stronger version of myself .. My life purpose was to work at meijer make 28k a year than retire. Maybe become a manager, become their bitch make like 35k a year and be happy. Never achieve my goals never reach my full potential.
This is basically Robert banker saying fuck you. I blazed my own bath, now it is time to use my god given gifts to succeed. I refuse to be a bitch to the system. I will succeed and I will make my parents have a comfortable retirement and those around me.
I rebuke your "comfortable easy path" let me lather in 12 hour days and 35k a year and hating my job. You can't stop my dreams, I appreciate the push. When I'm on the mountain top .. You get nothing from me
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Monday, September 28, 2015
Moving toward the end
One of the biggest lessons I ever learned was that you can always change your life for the better. Sometimes the setbacks are put there for a reason to help you relaunch yourself. My journey over the last 18 months has taught me a lot about myself, I learned that I can overcome any obstacle in my path. As long as I ask god for help for the right things and not for unnecessary things, I defeat the obstacle. I had to learn not just to pray for help, but to ask others for help. There is always a way to make things happen, there can always be one hour less worked, slept or spent being sad,
Another key point is, you have to not dwell on things. If you're at work and work sucks you have to mentally exit the situation. Yes it's important to make money, but it's more important to be yourself. If you have to call off or go in late to take care of something do it. The job is basically temporary and the people there really only want to put you beneath them. You have to find who actually cares about you and them in, not just anyone who will chat with you. In all aspects of life only talk to people who want the best for you.
However, this does not mean those who talk trash to you in video games or sports are bad. The ability to compete in friendly battles in fantasy sports or games is a great outlet. You need to fill time with activities you enjoy that allow you to learn about new things,
Obviously, I'm putting ideas down for future uses. The one truth that I have found in this journey, is never listen to what someone who is still in the battle says. Read their eyes, their body language. The saddest most insecure people are the ones who share the most "fuck everybody Im a strong woman" shit. Confidence is quiet... confidence doesn't have to brag about life.. you don't need people to see you as an icon.. because internally you are whatever you want to be. Then and only then can you defeat your issues in life and move forward.
As I continue to mess with this...
Remember this first and foremost. Whatever happens when you are back to normal again, remember balance. Then also remember that there is no changing for anyone else. You have to live to please yourself, not whatever girl you have a crush on or etc.
Another key point is, you have to not dwell on things. If you're at work and work sucks you have to mentally exit the situation. Yes it's important to make money, but it's more important to be yourself. If you have to call off or go in late to take care of something do it. The job is basically temporary and the people there really only want to put you beneath them. You have to find who actually cares about you and them in, not just anyone who will chat with you. In all aspects of life only talk to people who want the best for you.
However, this does not mean those who talk trash to you in video games or sports are bad. The ability to compete in friendly battles in fantasy sports or games is a great outlet. You need to fill time with activities you enjoy that allow you to learn about new things,
Obviously, I'm putting ideas down for future uses. The one truth that I have found in this journey, is never listen to what someone who is still in the battle says. Read their eyes, their body language. The saddest most insecure people are the ones who share the most "fuck everybody Im a strong woman" shit. Confidence is quiet... confidence doesn't have to brag about life.. you don't need people to see you as an icon.. because internally you are whatever you want to be. Then and only then can you defeat your issues in life and move forward.
As I continue to mess with this...
Remember this first and foremost. Whatever happens when you are back to normal again, remember balance. Then also remember that there is no changing for anyone else. You have to live to please yourself, not whatever girl you have a crush on or etc.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
5 years later
I barely ever use this blog, I use to have a few more intense blogs lined up but I took them down when I went on probation. It's kinda hard to blog on an ipad lol.
Today I will put this entry in to serve as a reminder to myself.I was looking through my facebook on this day stuff and noticed 5 years ago today I had my knee rebuilt. Which was pretty much the lowest point of my life. I say this because the pain was the worst I ever experienced, the ensuing using pain killers all the time and then buying more off the streets changed my life. This period was so depressing, I was still stuck up on girls from the past. I had nothing to do but lay in bed and watch tv and get faded.
The key point to this is that everyone falls down sometimes. It's a part of the growing process of life. You need these experiences to help build and mold your future self. I barely talk to anyone I knew from this time period except my closest friends. There is a reason for this, you have to change your life to get out of the darkness. Then you must continue to move forward out of the depression and into a new better way.
I'm 132 pounds of muscle now, I look and feel better than ever. But it happened because of these experiences that molded me.
Today I will put this entry in to serve as a reminder to myself.I was looking through my facebook on this day stuff and noticed 5 years ago today I had my knee rebuilt. Which was pretty much the lowest point of my life. I say this because the pain was the worst I ever experienced, the ensuing using pain killers all the time and then buying more off the streets changed my life. This period was so depressing, I was still stuck up on girls from the past. I had nothing to do but lay in bed and watch tv and get faded.
The key point to this is that everyone falls down sometimes. It's a part of the growing process of life. You need these experiences to help build and mold your future self. I barely talk to anyone I knew from this time period except my closest friends. There is a reason for this, you have to change your life to get out of the darkness. Then you must continue to move forward out of the depression and into a new better way.
I'm 132 pounds of muscle now, I look and feel better than ever. But it happened because of these experiences that molded me.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Personal Growth
I will try not to overly rant right here on this like I did in the previous post... There's a part of me that wants to write books on developing yourself or youtube videos. I parted with some of my favorite possessions in order to pay bills and move forward. I feel this helped me to grow.
The one key I also discovered in this, when you want to change yourself and get away from a negative way of life.. you have to extract yourself from the triggers and move on. For me, being forced to move to Novi into a trailer was a phenomenal point of change. Instead of wasting my time with alcohol and chasing whores, I learned new skills. I became passionate about home improvement and through this I was able to get rid of pent up anger and feel a sense of accomplishment. This process also gave me something new that I didn't expect, a feeling of falling to the bottom. See when you live in a 800 dollar a month apartment and then move to a trailer where you have to use the living room til your bills are caught up and you can live alone... You gain a new perspective, a perspective of is this really what my life came to? In the positive I couldn't hide drinking if I even wanted to since I'm out in the open.
My last subject matter. I came to hear of something this week that made me feel some type of way. In the corporate world, people kiss ass.. backstab and put people down to move themselves along. I heard rumors someone who helped influence me had his reign end on some weirdness. I came to realize that, sometimes the actions you committed to put yourself ahead can come back to haunt you. Like karma, when you constantly put others down to raise yourself up or get their jobs and lives shaken up... you one day will have to deal with it happening to you. This is life happening, you just have to deal with it.
That's why one of my new philosophies is to put myself back into working hard and letting my work speak for me. It maybe a low key demeanor where you don't get much credit, but in reality if you pay your dues all things will work out when it's time. For me, I began to realize if I received certain things earlier than before I was ready they wouldn't last long. The goal isn't to be on top for a week, month or year.. the goal is to be on top forever.
The one key I also discovered in this, when you want to change yourself and get away from a negative way of life.. you have to extract yourself from the triggers and move on. For me, being forced to move to Novi into a trailer was a phenomenal point of change. Instead of wasting my time with alcohol and chasing whores, I learned new skills. I became passionate about home improvement and through this I was able to get rid of pent up anger and feel a sense of accomplishment. This process also gave me something new that I didn't expect, a feeling of falling to the bottom. See when you live in a 800 dollar a month apartment and then move to a trailer where you have to use the living room til your bills are caught up and you can live alone... You gain a new perspective, a perspective of is this really what my life came to? In the positive I couldn't hide drinking if I even wanted to since I'm out in the open.
My last subject matter. I came to hear of something this week that made me feel some type of way. In the corporate world, people kiss ass.. backstab and put people down to move themselves along. I heard rumors someone who helped influence me had his reign end on some weirdness. I came to realize that, sometimes the actions you committed to put yourself ahead can come back to haunt you. Like karma, when you constantly put others down to raise yourself up or get their jobs and lives shaken up... you one day will have to deal with it happening to you. This is life happening, you just have to deal with it.
That's why one of my new philosophies is to put myself back into working hard and letting my work speak for me. It maybe a low key demeanor where you don't get much credit, but in reality if you pay your dues all things will work out when it's time. For me, I began to realize if I received certain things earlier than before I was ready they wouldn't last long. The goal isn't to be on top for a week, month or year.. the goal is to be on top forever.
Strongest Self
I have been slacking on updates for a while now. But I had to do a whole bunch of stuff, I kept working out. At 125lbs I'm in an all time personal weight best.My lifestyle has improved dramatically, it's amazing how much your body changes for the better when you don't even drink on the weekends. But that's another aspect of this blog I wanted to begin touching on, in my quest to become a better athlete I made some other significant changes and advancements in my life. I'm going to eventually go into more detail but for now....
1) Everything in life is a gift and a privilege. The material posessions you obtain that become part of the days necessity should never be taken forgranted. The car that becomes just a part of your day that you never get excited about.. is extremely precious. When I ran into a situation where my car got impounded, the month without it was the worst feeling ever. Pay your bills on time lol, tickets, insurance and fees. When you lose something as simple as your drivers license it makes life almost impossible. There is nothing worse than walking a mile on the side of the road through all the elements.
2) Be the bigger person in all things, when people do something pity instead of battling against them just go about your way. One person's thoughts and opinions shouldn't bring you down. Same with rejection.. it someone doesn't like you fuck them. Don't let it ruin your mood.
On a similar note, lying is retarded.. unless it's going to hurt or destroy you or the other person. The amount of time and energy wasted in maintaining a lie is ridiculous. The person who brags about having 2 or 3 bitches, wastes probably hours a day coming up with lies and stories t keep his tracks clean. Just tell the truth, it works out way better.
3) The only thing you control is this moment, make the best of it. If you want the future to be awesome put in work during this moment to make that happen. Whether it's working out, reading or adding something new to your life do it. Never waste time sitting around bitching about being bored or no one will hang out with you.. go make friends. Someone else is in the same boat as you, go find them become friends help them better themselves.
4) Know who your real friends are, and treat them with respect. In life you meet all types of people. Some people are your drinking buddies and you think they are down to die with you. Take yourself out of the party scene, see if those same people want to do stuff like goto the movies or work out with you. If they don't still want to hang out with you... fawk them. The one thing I've learned is whether it be when I broke my knee or the events of this summer... the people I had real relationships with were there for me and helped me.
Build relationships with the people who when you are down and out will come and pick you up and help you. You don't have to spend the rest of your life being their bitch or paying them back. But help them when they need it, offer encouragement and make them better versions of themselves.
5) Never try to live your life to fit what people want you to be. This one was hard for me, I spent a lot of time trying to be robdiddy. A lot of time wasted going out partying chasing whores.. instead of reading, working out, contemplating and philosophizing. That point may sound weird.. But in life, you are suppose to learn constantly. When I let people box me in as Diddy and go out and do dumb shit.. it got me in trouble. You can be a successful business man, but what you do on your weekends is what will make or break you. But if you never step back and learn from your mistakes and failures you will never develop into the best version of yourself. I spent a lot of time looking back at my life, I consider mid 2009 to 2013 to be one terrible chapter of me not really understanding myself.
When I reflect back, I look at all the times I did things I didn't want to do. Because I felt this is what I need to do to ensure these people hold me in a high regard as the man. In reality I was always the man, I needed to stop letting the insecurities and thoughts of a younger unconfident me destroy me. I even had a tumblr account full of rants, stories and thoughts from this period. I took it down, mainly so the feds didn't find it. But I still remember what was there, I can republish it and break it down if need be.
6) Alcohol and drugs will ruin you. I have seen some things in my years of life I wish I hadn't. I never really expressed these things. When I broke my ankle and then knee, these events happened at rough emotional times and I used the pain killers as a crutch. Which then when that ended I used alcohol because I thought it was better. Truth be told, neither is a good way to deal with stress or pain. That person that talks about getting turned up, brags about their conquests.. they are hurting on the inside. For me.. It started with me making dumbass decisions about females. I wanted to fill the void that I had created, I made a stupid decision then decided to try to pull in a new female. I feel somehow I defeated myself in order to avoid the pain of this happening again.
But not just for me, when I look at what I seen. I seen friends who started doing drugs who lost everything. One friend killed himself and a lot of people doubt it.. but in order to understand you have had to live that lifestyle. Maybe not as bad, but you can imagine what may have went through his head. There was even a time when i tried to help someone else with a probelm instead of fully realizing that I needed to help myself. Yes that person went all the way and off in another direction, but thats what drugs do to you. Make no mistake about it, alcohol does it too. It just takes longer for the effects to happen.
7) My last ranting point... With everything you do, even when you cross 21. You have to try to remember what does this do to my parents? I could sit here and preach about this, I myself neglected to reflect on how things effected my family. The people who raised you will always be hurt or upset when something happens to you. They don't want to see you in jail, rehab or dead. This needs to be motivation to power you to improve yourself.
It never really got me til I noticed how upset my mom got the last time I got in trouble. It didn't really effect me for a little while either. But I feel the events around my dads injury put more reliance on me to provide and it probably helped me get to this point. Whatever the purpose of all these events of 2014 was, it pushed me.. it changed me and it made me the strongest version of myself.
1) Everything in life is a gift and a privilege. The material posessions you obtain that become part of the days necessity should never be taken forgranted. The car that becomes just a part of your day that you never get excited about.. is extremely precious. When I ran into a situation where my car got impounded, the month without it was the worst feeling ever. Pay your bills on time lol, tickets, insurance and fees. When you lose something as simple as your drivers license it makes life almost impossible. There is nothing worse than walking a mile on the side of the road through all the elements.
2) Be the bigger person in all things, when people do something pity instead of battling against them just go about your way. One person's thoughts and opinions shouldn't bring you down. Same with rejection.. it someone doesn't like you fuck them. Don't let it ruin your mood.
On a similar note, lying is retarded.. unless it's going to hurt or destroy you or the other person. The amount of time and energy wasted in maintaining a lie is ridiculous. The person who brags about having 2 or 3 bitches, wastes probably hours a day coming up with lies and stories t keep his tracks clean. Just tell the truth, it works out way better.
3) The only thing you control is this moment, make the best of it. If you want the future to be awesome put in work during this moment to make that happen. Whether it's working out, reading or adding something new to your life do it. Never waste time sitting around bitching about being bored or no one will hang out with you.. go make friends. Someone else is in the same boat as you, go find them become friends help them better themselves.
4) Know who your real friends are, and treat them with respect. In life you meet all types of people. Some people are your drinking buddies and you think they are down to die with you. Take yourself out of the party scene, see if those same people want to do stuff like goto the movies or work out with you. If they don't still want to hang out with you... fawk them. The one thing I've learned is whether it be when I broke my knee or the events of this summer... the people I had real relationships with were there for me and helped me.
Build relationships with the people who when you are down and out will come and pick you up and help you. You don't have to spend the rest of your life being their bitch or paying them back. But help them when they need it, offer encouragement and make them better versions of themselves.
5) Never try to live your life to fit what people want you to be. This one was hard for me, I spent a lot of time trying to be robdiddy. A lot of time wasted going out partying chasing whores.. instead of reading, working out, contemplating and philosophizing. That point may sound weird.. But in life, you are suppose to learn constantly. When I let people box me in as Diddy and go out and do dumb shit.. it got me in trouble. You can be a successful business man, but what you do on your weekends is what will make or break you. But if you never step back and learn from your mistakes and failures you will never develop into the best version of yourself. I spent a lot of time looking back at my life, I consider mid 2009 to 2013 to be one terrible chapter of me not really understanding myself.
When I reflect back, I look at all the times I did things I didn't want to do. Because I felt this is what I need to do to ensure these people hold me in a high regard as the man. In reality I was always the man, I needed to stop letting the insecurities and thoughts of a younger unconfident me destroy me. I even had a tumblr account full of rants, stories and thoughts from this period. I took it down, mainly so the feds didn't find it. But I still remember what was there, I can republish it and break it down if need be.
6) Alcohol and drugs will ruin you. I have seen some things in my years of life I wish I hadn't. I never really expressed these things. When I broke my ankle and then knee, these events happened at rough emotional times and I used the pain killers as a crutch. Which then when that ended I used alcohol because I thought it was better. Truth be told, neither is a good way to deal with stress or pain. That person that talks about getting turned up, brags about their conquests.. they are hurting on the inside. For me.. It started with me making dumbass decisions about females. I wanted to fill the void that I had created, I made a stupid decision then decided to try to pull in a new female. I feel somehow I defeated myself in order to avoid the pain of this happening again.
But not just for me, when I look at what I seen. I seen friends who started doing drugs who lost everything. One friend killed himself and a lot of people doubt it.. but in order to understand you have had to live that lifestyle. Maybe not as bad, but you can imagine what may have went through his head. There was even a time when i tried to help someone else with a probelm instead of fully realizing that I needed to help myself. Yes that person went all the way and off in another direction, but thats what drugs do to you. Make no mistake about it, alcohol does it too. It just takes longer for the effects to happen.
7) My last ranting point... With everything you do, even when you cross 21. You have to try to remember what does this do to my parents? I could sit here and preach about this, I myself neglected to reflect on how things effected my family. The people who raised you will always be hurt or upset when something happens to you. They don't want to see you in jail, rehab or dead. This needs to be motivation to power you to improve yourself.
It never really got me til I noticed how upset my mom got the last time I got in trouble. It didn't really effect me for a little while either. But I feel the events around my dads injury put more reliance on me to provide and it probably helped me get to this point. Whatever the purpose of all these events of 2014 was, it pushed me.. it changed me and it made me the strongest version of myself.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Back Day 12-10-13
Started my day off with the new routine of eating Oatmeal. Oatmeal is terrible unless you put sugar or something in it. But it does have a large amount of necessary carbs. So I mixed in some jelly too, probably a terrible idea but oh wel.
I stacked my food all day, eating chicken and lean ground round instead of fast food. I consumed some rice also to help my carb game.
Close grip rows x 4
Close grip lat pull downs x 4
Wide grip pull downs x 4
Really slow squeezing on each of these, attempting to correct past mistakes of going too fast.
Dumbell rows x 2
Barbell rows x 1
Machine row x 4
Sometimes I use dumb bells or barbells for my rows, but I like the machine because it helps to ensure my form is correct.
Back extensions x 4 @ 15 each set
I really like back extensions, work on building that core strength and ensuring the waist line is developing. I took the last of my pre workout energy and dedication and put it into pull ups to failure on 3 sets.
I stacked my food all day, eating chicken and lean ground round instead of fast food. I consumed some rice also to help my carb game.
Close grip rows x 4
Close grip lat pull downs x 4
Wide grip pull downs x 4
Really slow squeezing on each of these, attempting to correct past mistakes of going too fast.
Dumbell rows x 2
Barbell rows x 1
Machine row x 4
Sometimes I use dumb bells or barbells for my rows, but I like the machine because it helps to ensure my form is correct.
Back extensions x 4 @ 15 each set
I really like back extensions, work on building that core strength and ensuring the waist line is developing. I took the last of my pre workout energy and dedication and put it into pull ups to failure on 3 sets.
Monday, December 9, 2013
The Rebirth
So I worked out maybe 3 times a week the last 2 weeks. Power house began to get annoying and my Fitness 19 wasn't fully expired yet. So I figured I'd drop in there and when I did, I realized it was more easy to get a solid workout in there at 10pm than it was at PowerHouse. I also had to deal with way less hassle traveling to the gym. Secondly, i decided I needed to clean up my diet. I cut out alcohol completely in the last 6 weeks, will it help? Who knows, but it's probably better to ensure my body is properly hydrated and not having periods of dehydration.
My diet needed to be even further cleaned up, I was putting in work sometimes 5 to 6 days a week during the summer. But I never really took the time to ensure I was eating more and more. I would add in junk food during breaks or fast food on lunch instead of quality food to help me grow and recover. I bought a better Men's Vitamin.. Still a Meijer brand but if this one isn't effective we'll switch to the GNC mega man. I am taking 2 scoops of protein after the gym now. I switched my pre workout to assault.
Chest Day...
4 x Regular press
3 x Inclince
3 x Decline
3 x cable flys
3 x machine flys
Light Tricep session (Gym was going to close soon)
3 x tricep pull down
2 x close grip chest press
Tomorrow is probably going to be a back day.. I am debating doing biceps and a more hardcore triceps on Wednesday. Not fully 100% positive on what I want to do. I need to ensure I workout 4 to 5 times this week and eat more.
My diet needed to be even further cleaned up, I was putting in work sometimes 5 to 6 days a week during the summer. But I never really took the time to ensure I was eating more and more. I would add in junk food during breaks or fast food on lunch instead of quality food to help me grow and recover. I bought a better Men's Vitamin.. Still a Meijer brand but if this one isn't effective we'll switch to the GNC mega man. I am taking 2 scoops of protein after the gym now. I switched my pre workout to assault.
Chest Day...
4 x Regular press
3 x Inclince
3 x Decline
3 x cable flys
3 x machine flys
Light Tricep session (Gym was going to close soon)
3 x tricep pull down
2 x close grip chest press
Tomorrow is probably going to be a back day.. I am debating doing biceps and a more hardcore triceps on Wednesday. Not fully 100% positive on what I want to do. I need to ensure I workout 4 to 5 times this week and eat more.
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